“Survivor,” thankfully, is dead.
The wildly popular television show began as part “Gilligan’s
Island,” part “The Real World” and part
“Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” It
ended with two equally unlikable people performing a quasi-political
pitch, imploring former contestants to make them their “final answer.”
Like more than 50 million Americans, I watched the last episode.
One finalist was Richard Hatch, 39, a corporate trainer, who, during the
filming of the series, prided himself on his cunning and
intellect, then spent half his time walking around
naked. The other faux-Robinson Crusoe was Kelly Wiglesworth, 23,
a Nevada river guide who inspired the wrath of a female
truck driver from Wisconsin — something I’m sure we all can relate to.
At the end, four out of seven “castaways” decided the naked guy
deserved the million-dollar grand prize. I imagine that for some it must
have been like picking the lesser of two evils. And that got me thinking _
about politics.
It would be so easy. I know CBS is already preparing for “Survivor:
The Australian Outback,” but I think the producers need to scrap that for a
show that offers a much more lucrative prize: “Survivor: The White House.”
I can see it now. All the presidential candidates pile into Green
Party candidate Ralph Nader’s beat-up Ford Pinto and make their way to
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., each one arguing that they should be the one to drive.
Once there, entirely cut off from the rest of civilization, this
cantankerous crowd is forced to endure many trials and tribulations, including:
• The “Nuclear Bomb Button” reflex test and immunity challenge.
(My money’s on Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan, who managed to
annihilate his own party in one convention.)
• The “Oh, I Was Trying to Tape `Freebird’ on the Radio” reward
challenge, in which the candidates explain why there are 18 minutes of dead
air on an audiotape used to secretly record Oval Office proceedings. (I
predict the winner will be Democratic Vice President Al Gore, who will
give a lengthy, technical dissertation on how solar flares can disrupt
electronic equipment, forcing the show’s producers to name him the winner just so
he stops talking.)
• The “You Can Put that Big Bag of Cash Over There in the
Corner” contest, where the presidential hopefuls each call five deep-pocket
friends to raise money for their possible re-election campaigns. (My bet:
Republican Gov. George W. Bush, who in his effort to become
commander-in-chief generated enough money to buy the entire Southern Hemisphere.)
Each episode, one candidate gets booted out the front door, with a
complimentary “Survivor: The White House” bathrobe. The winner gets
to be president of the United States of America for four years,
assuming there’s no scandal; runner-up is made ambassador of Liechtenstein.
And, of course, each episode would contain various subplots:
who hates who this week, which one walks naked through the White
House kitchen, and why Natural Law Party candidate, quantum physicist and
the other Reform Party candidate (Don’t ask, it’s too confusing.) John
Hagelin keeps putting everyone to sleep when he tries to explain what “natural
law” means when applied to government.
There will be alliances and counter-alliances, and
Libertarian candidate Harry Browne will refuse to be a part of them because he
doesn’t want their views infringing on his personal freedom. Socialist Party
candidate David McReynolds will urge everyone to adopt a national
health-care program to pay for costs associated with Buchanan beating up
television host Jeff Probst after enduring another humiliating immunity
challenge.
With all the potential for mayhem and chaos that made the original
“Survivor” series so addictive,
“Survivor: The White House” should have
no problem lasting from November until the official oath-of-office ceremony
in January.
Now that’s “must-see TV.”
