The forever kind of love

Published 10:10 am Thursday, October 2, 2008

At first, Jack Posey began to misplace things. Then he started losing his keys. Soon after, it was his wallet. Then, he slowly forgot how to tie his shoes and had problems following directions.

His wife of more than half a century, Sharon Posey, said the day it really hit her that there was something wrong with Jack was just before their 50th wedding anniversary in 2000.

With Jack at the wheel, the Valley natives (who have a home on the Middle Fork of the Snoqualmie River) were making a routine trip to the local hardware store.

Halfway there, Jack pulled the truck he was driving over to the side of the road.

“He looked at me and said, ‘Where are we going?'” Sharon recalled. “I said [as a reminder], ‘To the hardware store.’ He said, “I don’t know where I am.'”

From there, his lapses in memory began to spiral, Sharon said.

Jack, now 78, was diagnosed with dementia about five years ago. He lives at home with Sharon, 73, who is his main caregiver.

Sno-Valley Senior Activity Center social worker Tammy Clark said that dementia – thought to be genetic – comes on slowly and often develops in those older than 60, though it is not a “normal” part of aging.

Symptoms include a decline in one’s mental abilities, memory, judgment and/or attention span, Clark said. Additional symptoms include difficulty performing familiar tasks, problems with language, disorientation to time/place and changes in mood, behavior or personality.

“The sad thing is that we can’t have our conversations that we used to,” Sharon said. “[But] I wouldn’t trade a day, a month, or a year. We’ve had a wonderful life.”

Though still a loving husband who remembers and maintains affection for his family (two sons, now in their 50s), the gentle, eager man whom she married and who was known for his ability to fix things is slowly disappearing.

“Now he really doesn’t know what to do or how to do it,” Sharon said. “That is absolutely the opposite of my Jack.”

That notion breaks her heart.

“He’s my buddy, he’s my partner,” Sharon said. “We have lost so much … We’re going to [get through it] any way we can, but the hardest thing is knowing my old Jack isn’t there anymore.”

He treats her with the same adoration as he used to, though. He still has his sense of humor, too. And what’s left of the man she married, Sharon said she will fight to hold onto.

“I’ve told him dementia is our enemy and we have to fight it,” she said. “He can do anything. I can’t get over the genius that really is in him … I’ll keep as much of him as I can.”

The first time Sharon met Jack, she was 13 and he was 18 and about to go on a date with her older sister. When Sharon’s sister was unable to make the date, their mother suggested Jack take her instead.

“Mother really liked him,” Sharon said. “She thought he was the cat’s meow.”

Though unable to recall the picture show they saw, Sharon said she does remember that he didn’t buy her popcorn and when he drove her home, he opened the door and told her to exit.

“‘What are you waiting for? I ain’t gonna’ kiss you,'” she said, recalling his words with a laugh.

Three years later, Jack was in the Navy and had become pen pals with Sharon. With a picture of the 16-year-old hanging in his locker, one of his friends told him that she was the girl he was going to marry. He laughed in response.

Soon after – while stationed in San Diego – he called her and said, “When I get home, will you marry me?”

“I said, ‘How fast can you get here?'” said Sharon.

“There has never been anyone – anything – else. It’s always been us,” Sharon said. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. There is no doubt that the feeling is mutual.”

So, when he can’t remember where the light switch is or forgets the task he was just asked to do; when he needs help shaving or when things get tough or frustrating, Sharon said, “I always just give him a great big hug and hold onto him.”

They also still have fun together, Sharon said. They play games, take walks, sit and watch the river.

“There’s a lot of laughter and if you can’t laugh, you’re not going to make it. So we laugh every day,” she said. “We make every day count.”

When Jack was first diagnosed, Sharon said she knew of few resources available for those whose family members had dementia. While educating herself, she has also found resources at Carnation’s Sno-Valley Senior Activity Center and North Bend’s Mount Si Senior Center to be essential.

“Sometimes I get lonesome because the old Jack isn’t there,” she said. “But there can still be wonderful moments. You just have to work on it. It isn’t something you have to do, it’s something you want to do.”

Sharon brings Jack to the day program offered at the Mount Si Senior Center, which provides respite care for dementia patients while caregivers are given an opportunity to learn how to better provide support for those with dementia and other illnesses. The day program is also offered at the Sno-Valley Senior Center.

She also plans to attend the Sno-Valley Senior Activity Center’s dementia forum Sept. 16 at Chief Kanim Middle School.

Joining with the Snoqualmie Valley Hospital and the Mount Si Senior Center, the forum is designed to educate the community and caregivers about dementia, Clark said. A panel of experts will be available for questions.

“[People caring for loved ones with dementia] need to know that there’s help out there,” Clark said. “That they’re not going this alone.”

The forum is from 2-4 p.m. Saturday, Sept. 16, at Chief Kanim Middle School, 32627 S.E. Redmond-Fall City Road in Fall City. For more information about the forum or the day programs, call Tammy Clark at (425) 333-4152.