This health care debate is being talked about so much, it must have gotten into my skull.
I say this because last night, I dreamt that the President called me on the phone.
“Bob, this is your Obama speaking,” he said. “I’ve been following your amusing articles in the Valley Record and I want you to write a Health Care Policy for the entire nation.”
My response was quick and to the point.
“OK, Barak, I’ll have it to you in 24 hours. Only you must promise me you won’t give it to those representatives and senators to rewrite a dozen times and make all those changes.”
He promised me they wouldn’t.
“Oh, one more thing,” I said. “This will be a simple, all-encompassing, plan for the citizens of the United States of America, and you must promise that all those lawmakers will be on the same health care plan as the rest of the country.”
“Bob, that’s a hard one, but I am the President and I promise we will all be on your plan, except my family and me — I am the President, you know.”
After giving my assurance that that was all right, I immediately went to work on my plan. Here it is:
1: Everyone sends in $5 to the U.S. government. In return, your government sends you a medical book listing all symptoms and what ailment they point to. This precludes that expensive, and sometimes dreaded, visit to the doctor’s office. Note: for an additional fee of $5, you can get the same information on DVD.
2: After performing your own or your family member’s diagnosis, you have your choice of calling three doctors and getting a quote for your particular disease.
3: Your choice of doctor will then e-mail or mail you a prescription. You may question his choice of medications. Also contained in your book or DVD is a list of all approved medications and their side effects and what they are used for.
4: Upon your approval of the medication suggested by your doctor, you e-mail or mail his prescription choices to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta. Include $5 shipping and handling. Note: a special committee will be formed just to review suggested prescriptions. In this way, the government can monitor your ailment and what you are taking for it.
5: Once the CDC approves your medication, they send approval back to you — if you are still alive — and you then get three quotes from pharmacies of your choice.
6: You pick up your medication and once you are feeling better, you e-mail or mail CDC to let the government know you are cured.
7: Should you require hospitalization and/or surgery, much the same procedure is followed — you diagnose, call three hospitals, and upon deciding which hospital will best meet your requirements, you e-mail or mail CDC with your recommendations. The CDC will review your request and either approve or deny your request. Again, I’m assuming that by the time the government gets back to you, you’re still alive.
8: The same basic procedure will apply to dental, eye care, and any other part of your body that requires attention.
9: Every year you will be required to “renew your subscription” by sending the government $5 (or $10 for a DVD). You will receive back new and updated information.
Well, that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. The President hasn’t returned any of my calls, though.
• Bob Edwards lives in North Bend and is a member of the Sno Valley Writes! group. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.